Counseling Week 2

So, today I went and saw the counselor again.  I gave him all the different stories I have.  I came up with 4 more to go along with my BIG one.  I think this is going to be a good journey if I will just stick with it.  We are going to be challenging every single one of these stories to see if it is true and accurate.  If not, we will be discarding it and replacing it with something else.

Brad said something that really made me think today.  He said that he has learned that you teach people how to treat you.  In my case, I have taught people that "I am only good enough for your crumbs" in life.  Then he said that, that is not even true, "in your case you have taught yourself that you are not even worth their crumbs, so that would even be a bonus."  Ouch, I didn't see that coming.  I don't know how I come across that way, but I know he is right.  I don't value myself enough to demand respect of any kind from anyone.  I feel like I have a long way to go to get there.  

He said that the worst person you can lie to is yourself.  Some people lie to make themselves look and feel better, but in your case it is the opposite.  The lies you tell yourself continue to deplete your value, worth, and esteem.  It is just as bad to be on this side as it is to be on the other.  

So, at the end of this session I ended up having 3 assignments:

1.  Ask my dad if he approves of me and is proud of me, and why.  As we were talking about this one I kinda got teary eyed.  Brad knew I was terrified of this assignment.  He picked right up on it and said, "You are terrified to ask your dad if he is proud of you.  You are afraid his answer is going to be no, but I KNOW his answer is going to be yes."  For some reason my dad's approval is the most important.  I want my mom's approval and certainly Bret's, but dad's is the one that I long for the most.  I need to know that he is proud of me in every area of my life.

2. List all my strengths.  

3. List all my life goals

I can tell you this is going to be a tough week, but I think and hope I am up to the challenge.

Counseling Week 1

Last week I started seeing a counselor through church.  I really like the man I am working with, and in some ways it seems to be making it easier that I knew him before counseling.  He is my old youth minister, and somehow I take comfort in that.  I really think that if I put in the hard work, this man is really going to help me overcome all this.  

In that session, I told him why I was there and about the biggest story that has shaped where I am today.  It is the story about my conception and birth.  Through the facts of this story, I have completely fallen for a few huge lies that Satan has taught me.  He has convinced me that I have no value and that I am a burden.  Wow, how ridiculous is that?  I can see that it is not true on the outside looking in, but it is really hard for me to convince myself of this now.

So, at the end of my session, he challenged me with some homework.  I was to come up with the rest of my stories (or lies) that are apart of my makeup.  So, as I go along, I will post them under the comments for this blog.