Counseling Week 2

So, today I went and saw the counselor again.  I gave him all the different stories I have.  I came up with 4 more to go along with my BIG one.  I think this is going to be a good journey if I will just stick with it.  We are going to be challenging every single one of these stories to see if it is true and accurate.  If not, we will be discarding it and replacing it with something else.

Brad said something that really made me think today.  He said that he has learned that you teach people how to treat you.  In my case, I have taught people that "I am only good enough for your crumbs" in life.  Then he said that, that is not even true, "in your case you have taught yourself that you are not even worth their crumbs, so that would even be a bonus."  Ouch, I didn't see that coming.  I don't know how I come across that way, but I know he is right.  I don't value myself enough to demand respect of any kind from anyone.  I feel like I have a long way to go to get there.  

He said that the worst person you can lie to is yourself.  Some people lie to make themselves look and feel better, but in your case it is the opposite.  The lies you tell yourself continue to deplete your value, worth, and esteem.  It is just as bad to be on this side as it is to be on the other.  

So, at the end of this session I ended up having 3 assignments:

1.  Ask my dad if he approves of me and is proud of me, and why.  As we were talking about this one I kinda got teary eyed.  Brad knew I was terrified of this assignment.  He picked right up on it and said, "You are terrified to ask your dad if he is proud of you.  You are afraid his answer is going to be no, but I KNOW his answer is going to be yes."  For some reason my dad's approval is the most important.  I want my mom's approval and certainly Bret's, but dad's is the one that I long for the most.  I need to know that he is proud of me in every area of my life.

2. List all my strengths.  

3. List all my life goals

I can tell you this is going to be a tough week, but I think and hope I am up to the challenge.

Counseling Week 1

Last week I started seeing a counselor through church.  I really like the man I am working with, and in some ways it seems to be making it easier that I knew him before counseling.  He is my old youth minister, and somehow I take comfort in that.  I really think that if I put in the hard work, this man is really going to help me overcome all this.  

In that session, I told him why I was there and about the biggest story that has shaped where I am today.  It is the story about my conception and birth.  Through the facts of this story, I have completely fallen for a few huge lies that Satan has taught me.  He has convinced me that I have no value and that I am a burden.  Wow, how ridiculous is that?  I can see that it is not true on the outside looking in, but it is really hard for me to convince myself of this now.

So, at the end of my session, he challenged me with some homework.  I was to come up with the rest of my stories (or lies) that are apart of my makeup.  So, as I go along, I will post them under the comments for this blog.

God IS so GOOD

I have to tell you that house hunting is almost just as stressful as job searching. I have been very blessed that with this move we have not been rushed to find just the right house in a very small amount of time. We have been blessed by the fact that my parents so graciously took is under their roof and have allowed us to take all the time we needed to find a home.

Not only that, but they are buying the house for us and then down the road we will be buying it from them. This is an amazing thing in and of itself, but at the same time it has been somewhat of a struggle. We have been looking for a house that meets their criteria for investment property, my criteria (which was that I didn't want to have to do much to it as far as remodeling), have it be in our price range and in the right location.

So, we have looked at A LOT of houses over the past 3-4 weeks. So many that they were all starting to run together and we were all getting burned out. We saw a house a couple weeks ago at an open house that I REALLY liked, but it was quite a bit out of our price range so I just wrote it off.

Anyways, yesterday out of the blue mom asked me which house I liked more: the one we had seen the day before (that needed some work, but over the past few weeks I have found that the houses in our price/sq ft that we were looking at would need some updating) or this other house we saw at open house. I told her I liked the open house one better by far, but I had it written off my list because it was too high priced. So, I went on about my day not really thinking about it anymore.

Then yesterday afternoon my mom drove by the house one more time for no real reason at all, but to get another flyer they had in the front yard. When she got there, they didn't have any flyers out, but the man of the house was just driving up after picking his children up from school. He saw mom and asked what she needed and they talked. He invited her in to see the house again and told her they had flyers inside. She went in and refreshed her memory and got a new flyer. While inside they told her that 1. they had reduced the price by $5,000; and 2. they were moving out of town. The dad starts a job in El Paso this coming Monday while the mom and 3 boys have to stay behind until their house sells.

Mom brought all this information home and prayed about it and wrestled with it all night. She and God dealt with this issue for most of the night. The more she prayed the more it became clear this is the house for us. It has 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, 2 car garage, a utility room, no remodeling needed right away, great neighborhood, nice square feet, $/sq ft is the lowest we have found for the GREAT shape it is in, and it just seems to be the right fit for everyone. I think she finally got to go to sleep around 3-4 this morning, but when she did she was at peace with the fact that this was the right choice. So, this morning we went to look at it again and we put a contract on it. The current owners accepted the offer and we hope to close and move in within 30 days!

I am so excited about this house! It is so cute and I know Bret and I can make it feel like a real comfortable home.

"Dear Lord,

Thank you for knowing just what we need. Thank you for always having our best interest at heart and always having a plan in place if we will just take the time to listen to you. I thank you for blessing our family with this new house. I thank you for talking to mom and making this so evident to her. You are an amazing God, and you ARE good. I just thank you for placing this specific house at our feet and blessing us with such comfort and rediculous excess.

Lord, I pray Bret and I will use this house to glorify you. I pray we will be able to help others and serve others in our home and give so generously to them as you have given to us.

Lord, I love you so much and I pray all this in Jesus' holy name,
Amen"

Job Hunting

I can't believe how frustrating job hunting is!! I have been looking for a job since I got laid off over a month ago. I know that I have only been in Amarillo for 2 weeks and 2 days, but it is driving me crazy. I feel so inept because I have sent out all these resumes and filled out all these applications and all I have come up with is a temporary accounting position that makes WAY less than what I was making.

I am not complaining about the job I have been provided; and I am even kind of excited about it, BUT it is only temporary. I need something permanent to go to everyday. I need something that I can rely on. My temporary job will only be for about 10 weeks and then I get to start my job hunt all over.

I am really trying to trust God to bring along the right job, but honestly it is getting tougher each day. I just need to relax and enjoy being held in His arms.

Jeremiah 29:11-12 says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."

"Lord, please help me to be patient and wait for the right job to come along. Help me to trust in you to take care of this in my life. Help me to hold these verses close to my heart and proclaim them in Christ's name as promises you have sent to me. Lord, I know you have a plan for my life that is better than any plan I could possibly have, and I just pray that I will be patient enough to allow you to reveal it. I love you so much and I am so thankful that you haven't given up on me. In Jesus' precious name, Amen"

Battle Of The Blogs

I've been wanting to start this blog for a long time now, but I just haven't gotten up the courage to start posting to it yet. I find blogging (or journaling) to be very therapeutic, but I'm not great at it. Most of the time, I find it hard to put my feelings and thoughts into words (or at least eloquent words).

So, I sit here tonight trying to decide what my blog should be about. Should it be about my struggles and the journey I am on for healing? I know this would be the most therapeutic, but at the same time my struggles are so heavy that it might frighten people (even loved ones) away. I don't want to be judged for my problems, but sometimes I need a place to go and just let it all flow out. This could be a great venue for any homework or thought provoking questions that might come up during counseling, but I am just worried about feeling so vulnerable and exposed.

Or should my blog just be happy go lucky and we can just sit here talking about the wind that blows here in the Texas panhandle? This would by far be the easy way out, but doesn't God call us to take the narrow less traveled road? Maybe I should push myself beyond my comfort zone and make this blog real and to tell my real story in order to help someone else out. It might help someone else out there to know that I have walked these roads as well and I can take up my struggles and walk along side them arm in arm.

So, most likely this will turn into a journey of healing and to find my joy again. I do promise that along the way there will be lots of laughter, crying, and memories to be made. So, put on your walking shoes and lets travel this road together.

All my love,
Stace